HAPPY B'DAY KUAN HUI!
I MISS YOU!COME BACK N VISIT US SOON K? HUGSS
ME N MY BELOVED SIS!
DEAR SIS, HERE I WISH U ETERNAL HAPPINESS, GREAT HEALTH, WEALTH AND MAY U HAVE A WONDERFUL YEAR AHEAD.. HAVE AN ENJOYABLE B'DAY SIS!
it has been almost the end of the semester.. the first semester of my final year.. things has gone all rite till now.. jus human tends to meet the bad days once here n there.. these days.. things wasnt feelin really rite.. my uni work was ok.. goin on as usual.. got used to the weekly report, presentations and so on.. movin here n there every week.. sometimes i will b at jason's place.. n sometimes back to kajang n sometimes cram at melati on my own.. mayb it was the feelin of alone tat i felt when i was crammin there.. i didnt know wat to do.. finding things to go thru the times.. when i was too reluctant to actually put my time with good use on my studies.. sometimes i tend to feel miserable n alone.. i didnt know who to talk to n wat to talk about.. mayb we communicated too frequently tat i feel that as if i didnt know wat else to talk about.. sometimes i didnt hav the topic but i jus wanted to hear him.. but.. it sounds so dry.. i was doin the talkin all the time.. when i felt down n wanted to listen to him.. i would normaly jus heard silence in between.. he didnt hav anythin to talk to me.. n the worst is tat it added up into the account of my mood swing.. it made me feel worse.. i know it wasnt his fault but somehow it really made me feel bad..
i wasnt in mood since yesterday n i felt better this evenin n i tried to somehow talk nicely n happy to him.. were sms-ing.. till i guess he was bored at home tat it influenced his mood.. so i called.. soundin really happy n wanted to make him feel better.. but the way tat he talk to me.. the response that he gave.. i felt like i was forcing him to talk to communicate with me.. previous month we somehow had a fight.. a cold war.. where i cram things in myself.. not tellin out till i really couldnt take it.. i wanted to cry but i couldnt.. tears wouldnt flow till i finally broke down from his words n the way he acted.. i felt tat i wasnt needed.. as if i was some kind of product or toy mayb. when he is in mood of playin he will come to me.. when it wasnt the day he turn his back on me.. i didnt know wat went wrong.. he didnt like the way i was being close n intimate to him.. he didnt like me 'lau kai' to him..
i didnt know wat i did wrong.. we talked but he somehow jumped n skip the matter n jus apologise.. and yes i pretended tat things are fine once again.. now i start to wonder. was it a wrong decision to make things clear? sigh.. we knew from the beginnin tat we were of 2 differnt ppl from 2 differnt world.. but remember wat u told me? tat is wat that pulls us together n perfect things between us.. we tried to make things work together.. but at times.. can u really feel all the efforts i made? y cant i feel those effort from u at times? i know we couldnt measure who is givng more but sometimes.. it really felt tat as if i was makin the moves n toleratin n all.. sometimes i felt so bad that i start wondering.. giving is so much torturing n hard to do.. y cant i be the one giving less n receiving more in return?
every girl had a simple dream.. they all wanted to b loved.. felt being cared n loved all the time.. so do i.. sometimes i didnt know wat u were thinkin..tat i start to take the blame on myself.. but at the same time i ask myself n yes i did make my greatest effort.. sometimes i could feel that u loves me.. but sometimes n most of the time u chose to be quiet, u pulled back..i hate it each time my tears fall.. start rollin down my cheeks for u.. each n everytime i told myself i will not allow myself to cry for u once more.. but each time i failed.. i hated myself more each n everytime.. more n more.. i know u wouldnt read this blog.. u never did.. u said its so long n it's so bored to b readin.. so i know u wont came across this at all.. u wont.....